Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
