I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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