I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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