she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
