he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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