Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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