He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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