Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You did what with his pubic hair?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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