You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
