That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
