I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
