Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
