The maid of honor just puked.
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
