Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
