Where did you get a picture of my penis
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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