Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
