it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
