you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
