I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
