Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
