wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
