I just pynch a tree in the face
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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