I wish you could order shots online.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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