I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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