R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
she peed on how many people?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Randomize
