My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Randomize
