dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
