1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
