did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
