I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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