are you still at the devil's house?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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