Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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