I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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