Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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