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i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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