he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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