Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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