I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
