cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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