Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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