My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
