that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
