its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize