He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
