I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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