I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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