I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
