Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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