just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
