there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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