im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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