Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
