If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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