hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
