I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
