i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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