I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
