Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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