My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
