i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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