Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
