Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
