a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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